My son Jack is learning to drive and in case he ever comes here I thought I would jot down some of the ‘rules’ of driving as I have observed. I’m not sure that these are all tested, but they are certainly practised every day by the Shanghai people.

Try to text lots of short messages

1. You must never have lights on bikes or scooters especially at night for fear of dazzling (or being seen)
2. Scooter drivers should, if possible, use time driving carefully – preferably by doing other things – smoking and using mobile are acceptable. Texting is a very good thing.
3. Scooters should be used to carry more than one person if possible. Four (with luggage) is preferable. Pets are encouraged. Never ever wear a helmet.
4. U-turns should be used frequently – especially if there are more than ten lanes of traffic. Try to move smoothly across all lanes.
5. Red lights are just advisory – stopping can be very dangerous to the traffic behind.
6. If turning right (left) always try to do this from the left (right) hand lane. Nip out quickly though.
7. On dual carriageways try to ‘mix it up’ by travelling in the wrong direction for a few hundred yards – this is especially effective in rush hour to keep other drivers alert. Gaps in the road barriers are for a reason – use them.
8. Zebra crossings give you an opportunity to corral many people – this helps in controlling population growth. Remember as the driver you have the right to be there. Do be careful of the scooters though.
9. Speed limits are for girls. Travel at maximum speed except where speed cameras are present, please brake suddenly and sharply a few yards before-hand.
10. On narrow streets remember – accelerate fast, sound horn continuously, weave smoothly. If pedestrians step out drive at them.
11. Try to cut people up – this is a matter of honour. If you can get a cigarette between you and the other car – you are NOT close enough.
12. If you observe ‘speed bumps’ do as they say – SPEED…
13. If you have a bike please make sure it has no brakes.
14. After you have mastered all of these skills – think about becoming a taxi driver. But only do this is if (a) you can’t see (b) you don’t speak any language (c) You have no idea where anything is.

I think this sums things up nicely. And having said all of this I haven’t seen one accident or road-kill incident – but I have no idea why not…