I was at Trent Bridge last night, the world famous cricket ground. Ordinarily I prefer watching paint dry but I was invited by my good mates and felt that this would be a good opportunity to see this frenetic game.

The evening didn’t start well – the lady at the bar (you know who you are) had clearly been ill when they did the customer service course. Charm had evaded her. I hate inconveniencing such people, but all we wanted was five drinks. Fizzy diet coke is an option love. Trust me.

Still, things quickly got better as we settled down behind the goal. It was raining (cricket being a summer sport) – and the confusion began. Apparently the small people playing were not the real McCoy – I had thought it odd that so many games were going on – there was no way I would be able to follow all of it. But then the burly blokes arrived in fancy dress – bright reds and yellow. And some had those ‘My Little Pony’ tail things – which I later found out were towels.

Except there was a problem – the kids were ok to play in the rain, but the grown ups weren’t? The big boys were hiding in dug-outs? Presumably concerned about getting their hair frizzy?

My evening was brightened up as they announced the teams and Yassa Arafat was more talented than I thought. He didn’t have his trade mark tea-towel with him – which was disappointing.

Lancashire lost the toss then faced lots of full tosses. They scored loads and at half time we were were losing 178-3. I figured we were going to need a lot of luck to win. And goals.

It then rained again. But not before we came out to play for 0.5 of an over thing (This is confusing because it’s not a decimal over – there are six throws – so surely it should be 0.8333333 of an over). To me it was obvious at that stage we would win because we actually had three hitters out there (although when one got out the other had to go as well). I hope you are following.

Then Jack Duckworth appeared and made some rule up. It seems that you don’t actually have to score more than them to win. Nor did it go to penalties. So all we had to get 49 runs (?) and we would win even though they had got loads more than us. And we did. So we got less and won. Easy?

The good stuff – the music was amazing. And I liked the hovercraft thing they kept playing with.
The bad stuff – the miserable bar girl and the fact that there were no streakers? And the crazy rules.

I can’t make the Test Match – I’m washing my hair. Which is a pity because I think I have finally grasped this game?