I am sure you weren’t worried about me; I survived, Ray Mears like, the Isle oF wight Festival 2012. I was going to write a rant-y sort of blog about the inability of the organisers to spot the unfolding car-crash, but thought I would try to share some tips and observations for any festival- goers for the future. A sort of Public Service announcement – but in my pictures …
1. FOOD – don’t bother carrying it. It’s heavy and when you can have Jamie Oliver cook for you, it seems pointless. And anyway £7.50 for a salted beed sandwich is a bargain in anyones book? Wash it down with a £4 bottle of Bulmers. (TGTT – take a handful of wonga)
2. MARKER PENS – Beware the marker pen. And if your friends think it is funny drawing a penis on you need to think about some new friends. If you think it’s funny make sure it is not on your forehead – as Vim on Monday for back to work day isn’t so good. (TGTT – look up Vim – your granny used to use it).
3. SHOES – sensible footwear is optional. But your white disco dancing shoes may well have looked good on Mr Travolta when he was ‘Staying Alive’, but trust me this is not a cool look. TGTT – Rigger Boots. Essential.
4. TROLLEYS – The supermarkets are so kind, they only charge the first person £1 to ‘borrow’ their trolleys. So useful for carrying Beer and / or friends. TGTT – make sure you’re not the first to borrow – you don’t get to keep your pound.
5. JUST WRONG. Nuff said. TGTT – No.
6. LONELINESS – sometimes Festivals can seem a lonely place – with only around 55,000 other people it’s easy to seem isolated. If this does happen, there are usually lots of trees, who don’t want to get you pregnant or seek a long term relationship. TGTT – If in doubt hug a tree … aaaah. Oh and yellow moustaches are not cool – especially on girls
7. TRACTOR – If you can, remember to bring your own tractor. This helps immensely and saves you waiting for one of the hired hands to drag you out. TGTT – if you are towed onto the car park, treat this as a very bad sign.
8. ELF & SAFETY – no matter where you go, you must beware of the dangers around you. Here an impromptu pond has been turned into a potential death trap – so the fences have been ‘placed’ to show how you must beware. Stay away from the water children, you can drown in 3″ of water TGTT – That’s an urban myth, if you drowned in 3″ of water, you must have been trollied.
9. COMPETITIONS – don’t take on bets where they suggest that they have a bigger frying pan than you, they probably do. TGTT – Betting the locals is foolish.
10. WATCH OUT FOR EACH OTHER – especially if you have friends who are a bit smaller than you, some easily can disappear. The signs are tragic when it happens, a shoe here, a brolly there. TGTT – look after the small people.
11. MEN FOLK – should keep some dignity. It’s not big and it’s not clever. TGTT – mud wrestling is not for the UK.
12. MUSIC – It is why you go, so please don’t spend all of your time talking – listen, there are some talented people who have come a long way. Here Suzanne Vega performs in the rare bit of sunshine. TGTT – if you don’t want to listen to music, go and watch the football.
And finally… The students generally stick together. You can see them, they tend not to have a bag, but bring the all-important quilt and pillow – over their shoulder. When it rains this is not a good start. Also bright young things – a Gazebo is NOT a tent.
Just trying to be helpful….