As my car was coming up to it’s third Birthday, it needed an MOT.

Kwik-fit - clean once

And Pendragon, the firm I hire it from have decided to use Kwik-Fit for the MOT. This is as opposed to the excellent Audi Dealership in Nottingham.

What an awful experience. My car was booked in for 9.15 yesterday – I was promised it would take no longer than an hour. I arrived at 9.10am. At 9.35 my car was resolutely stuck outside on the forecourt where I had parked it. The smell of engine oil and brake dust was over-powering. The plant in the corner must have become accustomed as it was the only thing alive.

I think the floors had been cleaned some time ago (probably three at a guess). I don’t think the suspended ceiling ever had. The seats were from a 1960′s transport cafe – they add to the ambience and give it a ‘car feel’. The broken formica facings were particularly authentic.

You can always measure a place by the coffee it keeps. And Klix is not coffee – I think it produces soup, tea, coffee and bovril at the same time. I suppose it is warm. There were bottles of anti-freeze on top of the machine – wonder if they add that too? It was 50p (you have to pay them).

As part of the “add-on” sales pitch they now sell ‘accessories’ – smelly stuff, car mats and wipes. I think some of the cleaning cloths had been used before. They weren’t being sold as ‘used’ though.

To kill time there was a heavily thumbed ‘Woman’ magazine from January 2010. And a kitchen catalogue from Homebase. Neither appealed particularly. Although I am not an avid follower of Woman, I couldn’t help but notice that the Crossword was on the ‘cover’ – and it was partially completed. Someone had given up when they got clues wrong! “Speed of a Quick-fit fitter (4)” is not “Quick” – it doesn’t fit. Nor is it true as I was to find out.

The old chap across from me was waiting for his HT leads – estimated at three days. I’m not sure whether that’s three days from when they shouted it at him or he was already eating into that time. He looked a broken man. Other people just stared blankly into space. I just look out of place an old lady smiled at me, knowingly.

At 9.40am the car was moved off the forecourt by a ‘youth’ and the test was underway I assumed.

One and a quarter hours later the hour was up. And my car had ‘passed’. I expressed my concern about their clock – which was different to mine (a bit like the dream state in Inception).

I then returned to the car. After undoing all of the seatbelts and re-setting my sports seats, I couldn’t help but notice that the car had been driven for 1.5 miles. It had used 20 miles worth of petrol? And a tyre pressure warning light was on (which wasn’t when I arrived). I wandered back in – the ‘tester’ hadn’t really noticed the light (it is a subtle orange colour in your 12 o’clock). I presume he was going so fast he was watching the road? They tested my tyres and one had gained 7lbs in four days apparently (A bit like me on holiday?). This must have been a physics miracle.

Kwik-fit = rubbish. And not quick. Apart from when ‘testing’ my car.