The Alternative Antiques Roadshow

I’m not really old enough to watch Antiques Roadshow – but it’s often on as background noise. I did once see Fiona Bruce in Pizza Express near Millbank. Neither are really my cup of tea – Antiques or Fiona I mean. I love Pizza.

I think it needs a revamp – The Antiques Roadshow (not Fiona). It’s all a bit ‘Radio 2’. There’s no car chases and the fighting scenes are pretty tame. It’s most edgy when the queue gets too long and the pensioners need a pee.

It seems to me that everyone on the show is surprised – or at least they feign surprise. I wonder if there are some out-takes which are much more fun than the staid stuff churned out each week like warm treacle ladled on us?

These must be on the cutting room floor? I’d love to hear…

“Well Mr Chumba-Wumba your painting is worth between £500 and £600”, as he cries “But I paid £5,000 for it last week”.

Or, “Please stand there a moment while we find the Rozzers – this is nicked”.

Or, “It’s a delightful piece – one of the finest I have ever seen in many years – for a fake”

Or, “I guess it’s about 90 years old – there is a feint pulse..”

Or, “Is that a whiff of formaldehyde?”

Unlikely? Probably.

I’ll go back to watching Songs of Praise. Aled’s my favourite.

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